My closet is dark, damp, cold, noisy and lonely

Meet my closet.

It's dark in here. Things are a jumble. Things are a mess. But it's a familiar mess. It's untouched, untainted by anyone else's interference. What I do in here, what I put in here, what I leave in here - remains unassailably mine and mine alone. The light isn't off by accident, or because the light is broken. I choose to leave the light off. Because I'm not ready to shine a light on my closet. Because it needs to remain hidden. I don't need a light to find my things in here. Even if I don't find something, I know that a light wouldn't help me in my search for it.

It's damp in here. Damp because it's soaked with my tears. Tears that came, tears that wanted to come but couldn't. Tears that won't come because I've been reminded whenever I had to step out of my closet, that I shouldn't have tears. That I should be happy. Because nobody can see my closet, so they think it doesn't exist.

It's cold in here. I'd have expected it to be warm. But it isn't. Because I know I can't stay in here forever. I know that whatever comfort I find in here, is ephemeral. Yet, it's better than outside. Outside, I get to be numb. Here, I can feel, even if it's cold. The cold is a reassurance that all is not yet lost.

It's noisy in here. There are voices - voices with meaning, voices without meaning, voices beyond meaning; voices that are audible, voices that suppress, voices that are suppressed - an imbroglio of thoughts and views.

I'm lonely in here. I know I'm not the only one with a closet. I've been invited to some of my close friends' closets, and I've had them visit mine. Well, at least the sections of my closet that I'd neatly prepared for their visit. Because it's scary to share it all. I'm not ready for it. And they are not ready to see it all.

Do I step out of my closet? Yes. I have no choice. My closet doesn't feed me. My closet isn't a utopia or a panacea. It's a necessity. I need my closet because it's the only place where I can take my armour off. The armour that I'm told that everyone must have. And I wear this armour whenever I step out of my closet.

The armour conceals who I am. When I'm out of my closet, wearing my armour, people expect me to be like everyone else. If, at any time, my armour is peeled back in the slightest way, they remind me how I don't look like everyone else. They tell me I'm broken. Some will stab me, in the belief I'm violating some law of nature, or that they ought to stab me so that I'll wear an armour and look the way they expect, when they see me again. Some appear to not know there is an armour at all. Or that when they see me with the armour, they see who I am.

There are some people who will share with me that they wear an armour too. Who will tell me they weren't born with the armour. That the armour isn't part of them. That like me, they wear the armour because it conceals who they are. That like me, they have a closet too. And whether or not they are yet comfortable inviting me to their closets, they understand what it means to have a closet, and why I have one.

Speaking of closets has been taboo. We only speak of them when we're ready to come out of them. I think it's time we reclaim the closet. It's time to stop making our closets a matter of shame. For us to have the freedom to come out of our closets (and yes, I do dearly wish to not need a closet and an armour), we first need the freedom to have our closets and to be in them, and to talk about them. For us to be able to say, I have a closet, and while I can't share with you what's in it, it's mine. And I need my time and space in my closet.

This is me, reaching out to those of you who understand what it means to have a closet, and to wear an armour when having to step out of it to face the world outside. To share with you - you are not the only one with a closet. I have a closet too. And this is how my closet looks, feels and sounds.

Perhaps, one day, I'll be comfy enough to tell you what's inside, or even come out of it.

Fairness of life - and the purpose of civilization?

This post is inspired by a post by a dear friend of mine...

"The only thing fair about life is that it is equally unfair to all!"

to which my reply was... "I really wish this were true." and I pledged to write a blog post about this.

That status message made me think a lot... about fairness, about equality, about people, experiences, society, and many other things. I'll try to make (and support) two assertions today:

1. Life is unfair. And life is unequally unfair.
2. We've all known Point 1 for a long time, whether consciously, or subconsciously. And we're all already working on this together, and we recognize it as a problem. The solution is called "Civilization".

I don't think we need much debate on whether life is unfair. We see plenty of instances of it in each of our lives - anything that you wished for, or wanted, and somehow, despite your best efforts, seemed to escape you - whether it's a meal, a job, a grade, a vacation or love.

We aren't born equal. Some of us are born without a hand, a leg, with a weak heart, or blind or deaf or dumb. Some of us are born with a predilection towards certain diseases or disorders, some physical, some mental, some triggered only when our life leads us towards certain circumstances. Some of us are not even completely born - dying in the womb before we see light. Some of us meet accidents down the road of life, often for the sole reason that a set of events coincided at a time in a certain way.

If we were all born in jungles, Mother Nature would apply its standard rule on all of us - "Survival of the fittest". Predators would attack anyone that "fell behind" in any way at all. And by this discrimination itself, Mother Nature would demonstrate that we are not born equal. And since all of these "weaknesses" were not ours to choose at the time of birth, it is indeed unfair as well.

This unfairness is also unequal. Even two identical twins may have very different lives. It could take just some camouflage on one fine day to end the fate of one while the other lives on. 

Alright, we're done with the sad stuff now. Here comes civilization...

Man is a social being. We don't believe in each finding our own way from birth to grave. We believe in cooperation. If you can pick berries and I can hunt deer, we team up and work together, so that we both gain. If you're good at growing crops, and I'm good at knitting clothes, we work together, and gain. This is the essence of civilization. We each find the things that we're good at, and we take care of each other. And if someone hasn't yet figured out what they're good at, we share and we protect them, because we care. 

This is the essence of civilization... that collaboration of the human spirit... which has inspired us to build societies of democracy, of egalitarianism, of chasing down every single thing that we see as the unequal unfairness of life, and to pledge our cause to understanding the nature of this unfairness and to try and bridge the gap... so that tomorrow we may all look forward to a world of less unfairness.

It is this same essence that has made us recognize the nature of discrimination of gender, caste, color, creed, race and religion, and made us enact laws that prevent such discrimination. It is this same essence that makes us work towards understanding health, to find and cure diseases as they break out, or to study the brain, understand how it functions and how to repair it when things go wrong. It is this same essence that inspires us to make bionic eyes for the blind, ears for the deaf, limbs for the paraplegic. It is this same essence that inspires so many of us to build new things, so that someone in another part of the world can save their time, or be saved from inconvenience or pain, or perhaps be given a smile once again, whether by curing an illness, or just listening to that song that touches our hearts.

Civilization is not perfect. Indeed, perfection is not what civilization strives for, or believes in. Rather, civilization strives for equality. It strives for being a voice for the voiceless. For giving each and every one the opportunity to act as they choose, as long as their action is not at the expense of others - and to protect those that face the ill consequences of the actions of others. Civilization is a process, not a state of being, and it will not end its continuous cycle of finding and leveling out the imbalance of justice that is inherent in nature - for civilization believes that "Survival of the Fittest" is not what should govern our existence, and that we can defy this "edict" and recognize the deeper value in each of our lives.

And with every stride that civilization takes, we are brought closer to an understanding that despite all our seeming differences, we all can and will work towards an environment in which we can not only peacefully coexist and prosper, but also bring equality and fairness to counter that unequal unfairness that Mother Nature so ruthlessly imposes on us all.

I will end with one final note. When you feel that life is unfair to you, reach out to civilization - whether it's your family, your friends, your loved ones, or a stranger who will lend an ear - not because we have all the answers, or that we have any miracle cure for what you're going through - we probably don't. But reach out to us - because we care.

The walk

I went for a walk day this weekend.


This line and pause is for those of you who started laughing at the end of the previous line... to help you catch up. And yes, I admit I should take walks more often. *sigh*


This post is going to be less about the aimless paths my feet took, and more about the journey of my mind.

As I walked along the highway, I noticed a line of idols of Lord Ganesha, each about one and a half times my height. I noticed that most of them were yet unfinished. What caught my attention most though, is that the hands of the idols were left hollow. I stepped closer to one of them, and noticed, through the hole, that there were cobwebs being built inside. I was struck by the contrast of the two varieties of artwork in progress. I let that thought linger while I moved on.

Soon, I came across what I thought looked like a series of finished idols of Lord Ganesha, with one hand up, and one hand down - the symbol of protection and blessing. I observed the curves of these completed idols, and how they looked so identical from a distance, but perhaps differed in very small measurements. Each of these quite likely had some quirk that made the piece like no other next to it. I also thought again about the spiders that would perhaps not survive in these finished and sealed idols. Each piece of artwork made, quite likely, by clearing out many more pieces of artwork that had formed within it as it made its progress.

There seemed to be something very subtle about that thought, though I couldn't yet start to describe it. So I walked on, past the many slums of the artists who had probably spent ages making each of those idols.

Presently, I chanced upon an artist working on one of those idols in progress. She appeared to be sitting in roughly the same pose as the idol she was drawing - legs crossed, on a stool of some sort, only with the raised hand holding a tool which she was either carving or painting with, and the other hand, down in her lap, her eyes focused in concentration on the job at hand. It made me wonder for a while who was the creator and who the created. Or, really, was there any distinction? Or perhaps such labels only helped us in forming some abstract concepts for the relationships between the things we see, for the purpose of the perspective we choose to assume in the present.

I decided to change my subjects, and let my eyes wander, my mind still stuck on the juxtapositions. Soon, my attention was drawn to the beautiful bridge-like structure under construction for the new MetroRail of Hyderabad, hovering over the highway. A man put on his hard-top hat, chatted with a coworker, and picked up his welding machine to make some changes. As I turned my eyes away to avoid staring into the bright splinters from the welding, I realized it was just about time for sunset. And lo and behold, on the other side of the road, the clouds had become a soft orange. A bird flew through the sky, through the fading sunset, and right over the concrete of the bridge, and past it. I wondered if it was headed back to its nest.

Now, with the sunset over, I attempted to cross the road, and turn back, to be homeward bound myself. Yet, my thoughts were still jittery, and I stood still under the bridge, hesitating to cross till I had enough attention to avoid being run over.

Then, slowly, the pieces appeared to come together. Here was nature on one side - the bird, the sky, the clouds, the spiders and their cobwebs. And on the other side were the bridge, the construction worker, the artist, the idols of Lord Ganesha. It often feels like an Us versus Them. Man versus Nature. Artificial versus Natural. And, yet, in that moment, they didn't seem all that disparate at all. It appeared as if the patterns were just repeating themselves. It seemed as if the spider's cobwebs were really no different at all from Man's idols, roads, buildings and bridges. They were no different from the honeycombs made by the bees, or the nests made by the birds, or the anthills made by the ants. Man is just another organism on Planet Earth, with a different manner of artwork than the other organisms out there, changing his home to suit how he pleases - sometimes dislodging other organisms, sometimes remembering them and providing for their coexistence.

I smiled to myself and thought... at the end of the day, everything Man has learned, he has learned from nature. And that complex learning itself, is perhaps, just his nature.

And now, I was finally ready to finish crossing that highway and head home.

You make me...

(Inspired by conversations with the moon)

You make my head go *poof*

You make my heart go *flutter*

Coz when you’re with me

You make me… me.

Your smile brings me to life

Your eyes electrify my soul

Coz when you’re talking to me

You make me… me.

Never thought I could feel so good

You take bliss to a whole new level.

You bring down all my walls.

And you make me… me.

All I need is a little patience.

Coz nothing worth it is easy to get.

But I know that you are worth it.

Coz you’ll make me… me.

I watch the setting horizon

With the hue of your blushing face

I think of the times we’ve had together

And how you make me… me

Is this… the end? Or is it a new beginning?

Have I... lost myself? Or have I found myself finally?

Has the… world stopped turning? Or has my life come to a still?

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m undergoing a transformation.

Will you… please caress me? Tell me it’ll all be alright.

I believe in you now… coz you’re the only one.

That can make me… me

As we part ways, I have no hard feelings.

Every single moment, was how it was meant to be.

Though the distance appears to grow,

I know we’ve blended into one.

You’ve made me… me.

Her Tale

None so perfect as she

Ever was, nor ever shall be.

Gilded with gold

Was every story she told

Of her sentence, every word

Had majestic wings like a bird.

Her emotions were no less

Not a tear would she suppress

And her thoughts too ran deep

Like staring down a cliff so steep.

She cried every day.

Yet not all in dismay.

Every moment she cherished,

With fond memories of those now perished.

That she must lead the future,

Was the spirit she would nurture.

And she deemed nothing too tall,

For even mountains could fall.

The strength of her mind was from experiences bold

But, truth be told, the girl could be hardly called old.

Resolute to the core, for no man ill will she bore.

She knew all sins were simply washed away by the shore.

Water all around her,

Chaos and disorder,

Were all that she faced

With every step that she placed.

The ice caps were melted

The islands had all folded.

But for ships that could be sailed

Few other lands had prevailed.

She sailed the way of the ole' Horner

With all the courage she could garner.

A thousands miles she would cross

Following the Great Albatross.

The Phoenix was the hope she sought

For rise again, she felt it ought.

Placed a loving hand upon her womb

'Membering she'd soon sail to her tomb.

Thunder, rain and lightening struck

Yet she knew that she wasn't out of luck

She smiled up at the Gods above

And laughed at their twisted sense of love.

Seconds to minutes, minutes to hours.

Hours to days and nights of showers.

Moons new and full, and seasons passed.

The wind blew 'against the mast.

At last she saw the hills of age.

The Himalayas, home of sage.

The sun came out to give them a glitter.

As birds she now saw sing and twitter.

The monks took her in, with greetings of peace.

They beckoned she rest now, in the shade of the trees.

Her sleep was too fleeting, and she woke up in pressure.

And ere the end of hour she delivered a beautiful treasure.

Long live the girl, one of not more than a dozen.

For she did survive, fate chose her for a reason.

Her mother's time run out, she wouldn't make it through.

Her last breath held a smile. To her goal, she had stayed true.

A twenty years later, she stared at the ocean.

Determined to survive, yet filled with strong emotion.

A man saw her crying, and came to hold her hand.

And she whispered in his ears, the tales of long forgotten land.

The man listens intently, moved by every word.

A glint in her eyes, as they watch a flying bird.

None so perfect as she

Ever was, nor ever shall be.

Gilded with gold

Was every story she told

Of her sentence, every word

Had majestic wings like a bird.

Her emotions were no less

Not a tear would she suppress

And her thoughts too ran deep

Like staring down a cliff so steep.

She cried every day.

Yet not all in dismay.

Every moment she cherished,

With fond memories of those now perished.

Preparing for X-mas

Christmas was approaching. That always meant a lot of things. It meant a break from work, time spent with family, or at some exotic location far away from the daily chores - it meant workdays would be less tiring for a while, since everyone started planning "long vacations" to use up their piled up leave from work.

For Ben, though, this Christmas was special. For one, this would be Diana's first Christmas. He knew she would forget everything about it, as she grew up. But he knew the feeling of Christmas would remain with her. And it was important for him to make it as special as he could for his daughter.

Ben didn't consider himself a devout Christian. He didn't go to the Church every Sunday. He didn't care a dime whether there really was a Jesus, or a Father, Son and Holy Ghost. However, he did believe that the Bible gave a strong message of how to lead one's life. Every morning, he would cross himself, and think - what can I do to help people today?

Quite in line with his way of thinking, he worked at the Social Security Administration. Day in and day out, he helped people in making claims for social benefits. Sometimes he had to re-read everything that he had learned to help a Senior get what was due to him. Every step along the way, Ben got an immense sense of satisfaction that his work was making people's lives easier.

Big clear numbers rolled up on a laptop screen, as Ben checked the Xmas Clock to see how far off Christmas was. Just about a fortnight away. He sighed. Though it seemed like a long time, there were still many things left to be planned out. The garage and yard had to be cleared out to make space for the barbecue. The car was going to need servicing, so that they could make that long road trip on Boxing day, to see his parents. The dog, Lucy, needed her routine check-up. Getting appointments for everything was going to be tricky.

After half an hour, and half a dozen phone calls, Ben was considerably relieved. Though not at the best of times, he had managed to squeeze everything into the weekends. He knew that neither he nor Laura would have time during the week to get chores done. Between working 9 to 6, dropping their daughter off for day care everyday, and keeping the house together, she was already doing more than her fair share. Ben, on the other hand, would get back early, picking up Diana on the way home. He would keep her engaged as best as he could till Mommy was back, reading out rhymes to her, and entertaining her with new toys.

New toys for the baby was his next major hurdle. The odd thing is, he just could not make out what would catch her attention. He had no choice but to mix things up, so that Diana would still find enough to keep her engaged. They had already bought the usual bouncers, musical trains and cars, and walking piano. She had liked one car, but not another. She appeared to like the tunes from the train, but not the notes from the piano. But she would never stick to one toy for more than five minutes.

Finally, Ben decided he should go for a singing guitar and a "Leaptop", the toy that looked like a laptop. He didn't want to start giving her a real iPad yet. The general recommendation nowadays was to keep babies away from screens for as long as possible, so that they didn't get addicted to today's "Angry Birds" and "Temple Run".

To top it all off, Ben knew he had to get a real Christmas tree. After some googling, he figured he should be able to get one at the closest Home Depot. He made a note to pick it up the next day, as they were sure to run out fast. Ben then considered arranging a Santa Claus to drop by on X-Mas. Would that be a good idea? No, chuck it, he decided. Some surprises should be left for the future.

Though he was done with everything he had planned, it suddenly struck Ben, that his wife would really appreciate a new camera. Laura loved taking photographs, and had been eyeing camera stores every time they walked past them. They only had a old point-and-shoot for the time being. Ben decided he should look up good camera deals. He remembered that his friend had recently pointed him to a really cool site for finding good deals. Surely enough, a quick search at DealScorcher got him some really good deals for the T4i, but he also found some good deals at Sams Club for the T3.(Canon T3 12.2MP Digital SLR Camera with 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS II Lens - (Google Affiliate Ad). He decided he'd do a more thorough comparison soon. After all, the best in the market would always be welcome. On the other hand, starting off with the T3 would get Laura accustomed to DSLR photography, and let them buy better much better equipment later, after the prices came down again.

Now that he had most of the nitty-gritties worked out, Ben leaned back to enjoy Rihanna's latest album, Unapologetic. He knew that in a few minutes, his daughter would be up again, toddling around with her Mommy following her, trying to once again rediscover the living room, and find something she hadn't seen before. He would soon have some more new things for her to explore.

The new beginning

[ Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.]

Noah stepped off the space ship. He had spent 4 long years working as an aerospace engineer. He had made a home away from home on those strange planets that he had chanced to land on as he traveled from one craft to another. He had no choice. It was his job. But he had loved his job. Every moment of those 4 years had been well spent. He had seen creatures he had never imagined existed. He had learned skills that he never though he would be capable of. He felt proud to have worked with such intricate machinery. He felt honored to have worked shoulder to shoulder with the leading mechanics of the galaxy.

It had been a tough decision. But Noah had decided it was time to come back home. To start things afresh. To bring his experience back home, and build on his home planet. What would he build? He didn't know. All he knew was, he had an unfulfilled duty that he owed to his motherland. He would figure out the rest. Or, he would just wing it.

As he took in the surroundings, he observed his near and dear ones among the crowd cheering for him. He hadn't anticipated his homecoming to be such an event. After all, he had never been famous. Alright, his job had actually been "rocket science". Still... he had just gone out, done his regular job, and decided to come back. It was no different from any other job in the galaxy.

He observed the expressions on the faces around him, and noticed quite a plethora of emotions. Some were delighted, while many others held an expression of fear or confusion. He knew they would ask the inevitable question... "Why did you come home? You could have made a life there!" He also knew that he wasn't ready with an answer. He let it be, hoping that time would answer all of the questions.

Now back home, he found that little had changed in his town. His favorite snack shop was right where he remembered, and the snacks were just as tasty. The weather could never have been better. The people all went about doing their daily chores, busy as ever. Everyone greeted each other with the same warmth that he had always associated with home.

Though Noah did take some time to readjust himself to his old ways of life, he was glad to be home. He had been fortunate to get the best of treatment, and garner respect throughout his career, even when far away. But it felt good to be treated once again like the little fledgling who was stumbling along these streets not too long ago. It felt great to relive his memories of childhood, and of the place where he learned to walk, then run before he flew off on his interplanetary adventures. As he stood by, staring at the glory of the sunset, he looked onward at the horizon. It reminded him once again, of how far he had come, yet also of the limitless expanse that lay in front of him, begging to be discovered.

Reality... really?

What is reality? Everything that actually is. What about our perception of reality? Is there a common perception of reality? Or does that perception vary from person to person? We all discuss that each person has his own perspective. No doubt then, it should logically follow that there exists no common perception of reality - unless, of course, we have failed to apply logic as it should be applied.

Many wise men are known to have spent their lifetimes seeking universal truth. I would assume that means that they want to know reality(as it is), instead of just another perception of it. The biggest conundrum for me would always be - how would you know when you've reached? If you define a goal that you're headed towards, how do you know it's not tainted by your perspective? If you haven't defined a goal, well, then it doesn't matter anyways.(Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland?)

Now, what is anyone's perception of reality? In short, everything that we experience, with all our senses - some of them known, some not so well known(the sixth sense?). Was my dream real? I would suggest it indeed was. But not in the same way as my narration of the dream that I typed into my laptop one night after waking up. What makes the two realities different?

A dream is indeed real. I definitely perceived myself walking through the jungle and talking to a tree. Only, the tree existed in a reality that is not in front of me now - a reality that appears not based on the materialistic world we deal with, or with the five senses we normally rely on. In fact, I believe that tree still exists somewhere. My mind just made a journey to a world that I can't take anyone else to, because I reached there randomly. If I knew how I got there, I would tell you, and you might probably go there too, and see exactly what I saw, and heard, and felt.

As a child, I used to sit on the staircase, and imagine I was flying a fighter plane and shooting down "the bad guys". I had no steering wheel, no joystick. Just my closed eyes, and the vivid scenes running through my mind. The planes are always there, the runway's always there, just waiting for me to hop in and fly out. I could see them. I felt the wind blowing against me. I had a chill run down my spine as I gained the speed to take off. You can't tell me that's not real. I'm sure just reading those lines conjured up an image in your mind!

The big problem with reality is, we often start to get carried away with everything we perceive, and think everyone else should perceive it the same way. For instance, candies are sweet. How do you know what "sweet" feels like for another person? You don't. Yes, it is true that it triggers roughly the same taste buds for both you and the other person. That may not be the same experience for the other person. Lets move to another possibly more comprehensible example - law. There are many innocent people who get convicted because of circumstantial evidence (mistaken to outline reality), when there really was a big missing link that nobody found and brought to light. Once a man is convicted, it's difficult for anyone to believe his story, no matter how true it might be. In other words, again, your perception of reality, could be a far fetch from the reality.

Where is all this headed? It's simple. Each of us has a perception of reality, and should experience it anyway we like. We could try to share the experience, but we should be wary of the fact that the experience we give another person may or may not be as pleasant as ours. Every now and then, we might come across someone that appreciates our point of view. But we should keep in mind, that true reality consists of everyone's perceptions combined. The fact that each of us perceives, whether the same way or another, is indeed, real.

Trust - Gain versus pain

I'm inspired to write this post as a follow-up to a topic I recently discussed with a couple of friends, on Twitter. And this post is most certainly dedicated to the two of them.

To start with, I'll just lay down the points of discussion, numbered to make them easy to refer to, later in the post...

1. To trust is to be vulnerable.

2. To trust blindly, is to ask for trouble.

3. If you trust someone, you give him/her the power to hurt you.

4. When you trust blindly, there's much higher risk that someone you trust will actually hurt you.

When you trust, there are two main elements involved: the guarantee that you're expecting, and the guarantor. There has to be a close tie between these. (Please assume for the purpose of our discussion, that the guarantor doesn't explicitly communicate that he provides the guarantee. Also assume, that what you're trusting is something positive. Not, for example, "I trust that the bus will be late.")

If the guarantee is delivered, we stand to gain, since things happen the way we hoped for. Otherwise, we stand to lose. This justifies point 1 above and, partially, point 3. I'll come back to the reason for saying "partially" later in the post.

Now, what are the situations in which the guarantee is not delivered? Maybe the one we trust can't actually do what we expect. Lets say, I trust my friend borrows my Ipod, and I trust him to return it in the same condition, but he returns it with scratches. Or I trust a friend to reach on time for my birthday party, but he gets stuck in traffic and reaches when the party is almost over. Possibly, the only way to handle these scenarios is to develop a kind of inbuilt analysis of whether someone can be guaranteed to do something. It's still not really a guarantee, though, because there could be a lot of unknowns involved. When I understand that there isn't a high certainty the event happening, I plan for the non-occurance mentally, and also try what is known as "risk mitigation". If Alfred stays on the other side of town, and I know he can't start from office earlier than 6 PM, there's a chance he'll get stuck in the traffic on the way, and I should be mentally prepared to move forward with the party, and also put aside some cake for him so that it's not all over when he reaches. In other words, I trust that Alfred will "do his best" to reach my party on time, but may not be able to. This is where I say point 3 is partially true. Agreed, Alfred may not "do his best" and may get hooked to some girlfriend on the way, and hence be late. But if I know Alfred is inclined to do that, I probably wouldn't be surprised (or "hurt") when I find out. :)

When we trust "blindly", we just presume that everyone will understand the implicit "guarantee", sometimes even when there's no scope for such common context. Whenever we hear "I expected him to do X, but he didn't" ringing in our minds, and feel hurt, the things to check for are: Does he know that I expect X? Is it feasible for him to do X? Another important question is: Would he want to do X? Lets suppose you're travelling alone in the train with a lot of luggage(generally a bad idea, but anyways...), and you want to take a quick stroll down the compartment. Now, you might have been chatting a lot with the nice family that sits next to you, and might be tempted to request them to "watch over" for a few minutes. And they might agree too, but they might not really be in much of a position to take care of your luggage, or even want to do so. If someone picks something out of the front pocket of your bag, they might not even notice, and it might be in your best interest to lock up luggage, chain it, and then take your stroll. Of course, the new assumption here is that someone cutting chains or breaking locks is quite likely to catch other passengers' attention. :)

Another time when we tent to trust "blindly", (and the more common one) is when we have known them for a long time. Most of us trust our families blindly. Sometimes, this does crop into unfulfilled guarantees("Dad, why didn't you buy me an Xbox for my birthday?" :)), but we don't "lose out", since we know it was just a misunderstanding and not an ill intention. We talk to them and clear out the misunderstanding. Also, one could argue this is not blind trust, and instead a relationship built over time, where we know how they are likely to react to almost any event.

We also tend to develop a lot of trust for friends that we've known for a long time, and expect a lot of unspoken understanding, just like we did with our parents. There's always a likelihood that this kind of trust can go "blind" at some stage, where the friends keep making assumptions and not communicating. And when that happens, the chances of your friend hurting you can actually go quite high, because the expectation of "guarantee fulfilment" is very very high... sometimes because you didn't understand the friend's intentions right, sometimes because he didn't know you had the expectation.

In short, don't trust blindly, and you'll be much better off. Don't trust anyone for anything and everything. Make sure you trust them to do the specific thing you expect from them. If unsure, try to make sure somehow, or maybe lower your expectations.

The heart, moods and... life!

(This post is dedicated to someone who had an unusual Orkut profile name, that inspired me to write this post. If you're the one and you're reading this post, you know it's you.)


The heart... the supposed source of emotion... holds a mystery within it. Actually, as we've been taught at school, it's the brain that holds the mystery. but the heart expresses it. I'm talking about the times when you feel a tickle in your chest, and you have a strong feeling that it's from your heart. A tickle that could mean many things... your heart beating fast, or your sudden noticing that your heart is beating softly.

Scientifically, we now know that there's more linking the heart and the brain than we used to think. In the sense, the heart and brain actually talk to each other, and each influences the other. No, I'm not about to talk science here. You can find that information elsewhere. I'll confine my scope to my perspective about things.

Listen to your heart. I'm sure you've heard that said so many times before. But here's some philosophy around why you should... During life, we go through our share of experiences. We start to form a sequence of one event turning into another. We take actions, and we see their results. We have people who'll support us, people who'll blame us, and people who just don't care. No matter whether what, good or bad, happens, there's only one thing that you can always be satisfied about... that you did what your heart told you, because that's the one thing that has built out of your own experience... because you had a sense of what was the best way to react. And nobody can ever promise you that they are sure what the results would have been if you had done things some other way. But always learn from your own decisions and their consequence. It'll help you when you listen to your heart the next time.

Lets your moods swing. Yes. Mood swings are nice. They're awesome. They do a lot of good to you. Every mood you go through is a mental transformation. It makes you think in a totally different way. That means you experience life itself differently. Someone who is always happy or always sad... I'd say both of them are missing a whole lot. You have one life. Live it. And the only way to live it thoroughly is to understand the beauty of contrast. The reason why you see, hear, feel anything around you, is because one thing looks, sounds, feels different from another. So you can "differentiate" between them. It's the same with moods. You go through more moods, and you know how you can enjoy one versus the other. However, don't let your moods kill your life. Moods result from experiences. And you may miss some experiences if you're not in the right mood for them. If you can experience mood swings, and not go overboard with them, that's the ideal situation. Also, keep in mind.. some moods are to be just experienced, some moods are to be shared. And some to be held within, you say? I don't know. I'd expect everything has to come into the first or the second category.

Enjoy life. I would say that's something that you should make a habit. It doesn't translate to the same as "Always be happy" or "Always be satisfied", or any other similar state. It's an emphasis of the fact that every moment is precious. At the cost of sounding like a dialogue from a very popular movie... There is no secret ingredient to life. Your life is special by the very virtue of your considering it special. That's all there is to it.

How's life and what's up?

Today, I'm going to talk about something that everyone that's met me or spoken to me will closely associate with... my typical answers to these two questions...
1) How's life?
A) Awesome, as always! (OR) Gr8, as always!

2) What's up?
A) The ceiling!!! :D (OR) The sky!!! :D

These are answers I picked up, somewhere along life, and they are not just answers, even though they remain the same every time you ask. These are statements of life. These are my two gliders. Yes, gliders is the right word. When you're sailing through the air, gliders are what you use to take you higher, to keep you at the height you're at, or when you're starting to drop, to bring yourself back up to the height that you want to be at.

These answers refresh my mind. So, the next time you've asked me one of those questions, keep in mind, you've not just made me repeat two obvious answers. You've done much more. I feel much better that you still took the care to ask me those questions.

Now, lets dig a little deeper into what those questions mean to me, and the answers. Lets start with "How's life?" Well, my life could really be any way. I could be down into the dumps, or I could be having a pretty normal life. I might be finding the work I'm doing at the moment a little mundane. Or, I could be having the best time of my life. No matter how life is for me, it really doesn't matter. If I'm throughly enjoying the moment, life is really awesome, and there you go! If life is a little on the lower side, it's just for the moment and will pass. Then life will again be awesome. Besides, you spared the time to ask me, even though I was probably walking down with my eyes focused somewhere in the air, and just managed a glance at you, and you asked! Thank you! My life is now awesome. :)

The second question is more of a pet peeve for someone who's known me for a while. Many of my colleagues find it a little boring that I've been saying the same thing for the last "n" years(Don't ask me, I've lost count!). No matter what, is does lighten their mind when I say it! To me, this answer is something that saves me from even having to search out what's really up. Coz maybe there might be times when I would be tempted to say... Err... nothing's really up right now. Everything's down. I'm going through this phase where... Oh, never mind. That's just me, really. And it's just now. So... the ceiling's up, or the sky's up, and will always be up! And hence, yes, there are plenty of things that are up, now that I come to think of it... the fan, the .... hey! I forgot! Yeah, what about that thing I did right 5 minutes back? Wow! Loads of things are up! Life rocks! Life is awesome! And, yeah, I just gave my same old reply, Lolz! But it got me feeling much better once again, right?? Yippie! Thanks, dude, for asking me that question! It was fun!

And, there lies one of the typical behaviours of Avanish answered. And maybe your key to more of my behaviour. :) Happy meetings!!!

Heaven is a place on earth

I fell asleep in my previous post. I haven't woken up yet. Or, I don't know if I have.

Here are a few questions that occupy my mind right now: What is heaven? A place of complete bliss? When does one experience bliss? I do have the answers taking some space up there too. However, they are not your answers to the questions. They are mine.

One experiences complete bliss when one feels confident to face the consequences of one's actions. That presumes that one is able to weigh different aspects of any choice involving actions that could be taken, and zoom in to what one judges to be appropriate. Once the judgement is made, the results start to materialise. When one can look forward to evaluating the results without hesitation, one is happy.

It follows that, to achieve happiness, we must be able to exercise choice, or the illusion of it. Why illusion? Because there is no way of determining whether our actions are solely determined by our thoughts, or have been a result of various cirumstances that we have come to face, or even an environment in which we have been living from the start. When we feel that we don't have choice, not even a choice to skip exercising our choice(such as letting someone else choose something for us), we cannot be happy. On the other hand, if on every event that we face in life, we feel that we have chosen to decide or not to decide on something, and we have checked validity in that choice, we are happy.

So the happiest life one can live, is a series of actions and their consequences, each action something that we love, and each consequence rising from an exercise of volition. And this is achievable on earth.

My Discussions with Nature

It all started in my room. I wanted to discover my own nature. I had heard from somewhere that it would help me discover the universe. Why did I want to discover the universe? Well, if I knew my true nature, I’d know the a answer to that question, I thought. So I set out on a journey to explore my nature.

How could I explore something I didn’t know? I had no idea. I thought the best thing to do would be to start exploring anything in my mind, till I settled on what was my nature. Perhaps it was to be a pattern in the way I think. Perhaps my nature was to keep searching for it. But that would be a contradiction. If I ever found that to be my nature, then it would no longer be my nature. Since I would stop searching for something I had already found. Yet, perhaps the very fact that I consider the possibility a contradiction makes that my true nature.

I decided to talk to nature. Maybe some part of nature would step out and cry, “Hey, I’m yours! Yeah, that’s right. Your nature!” Besides all search and research starts from nature. Why does it always start from nature? But then, what is beyond nature? Could one start a search outside nature? How does one do that? Whatever I could think of, or imagine, would still consist of some fundamental units which are derived from nature. Even contradicting nature itself takes nature as a base, and then tries to oppose it. Anyways, I could not find any other possibility, perhaps due to my nature. So I resigned myself to starting my search for my nature by talking to nature.
The tree was the first I thought of. Why a tree? Because it was standing in front of me and teasing me as I stared into the wild. It was saying, “You, who always walk past me, and treat me like I mean nothing. You wish to talk to nature?” I thought back to the last time I had entered this patch of green, and how I was lost in thought when I pranced across. I asked, “Did you feel ignored?” The tree shook a bit, and replied, “Do you think I have nothing better to do than pass moral judgments on people who walk across me?”

The tree sounded confused, I thought. But then, why did the tree speak to me today, and not greet me on the other day? I would have responded with a big smile on my face. I asked.
“Smile? Oh, no. You would have wondered who was calling you. You would have looked about you, and not cared to give a thought to this little tree here, reaching out as far as it could. Struggling to make its presence felt.”

“Do you also need to feel touch? To feel another skin against yours?” I asked, realizing for the first time that I had failed to notice it.

“May I remind you, dear, that I can’t even reach my neighbour, despite him being in sight throughout? You’re my only hope to reach out to something new, to acknowledge and nature beyond my own, through a sense of perception. Do I have eyes? Mouth? Tongue? Ears? My only means of interacting is touch. It means everything to me.”

Feeling sorry for what I had been to the tree, I hugged it tight. “Does that feel better?” I asked.

“Thank you. I really needed that. I owe you for making me feel significant. I don’t know any way I can explain what it means to me. “

“No, you don’t owe me anything. You’ve made me see something I never thought I’d see.”

There I was, noticing that I started on a hunt to find something that was mine, and had learnt that everything was mine, if I gave it attention. I had learnt that nature was not distinct from my nature. It was to enhance my own nature. I was not distinct from nature, but a part of it. Whatever value I chose to share with nature, it would share back with me.

Then I had a doubt, so I asked the tree, “When I eat your fruits, and chop off wood from you to make paper, does it hurt you?”

“Do you have a choice? If I told you it hurt, would you stop?”

I was a little worried, but said, “I would certainly try.”

The tree laughed, and said, “I scared you didn’t I? Well, you should have thought of it before you asked! Anyways, to answer your question, let me tell you that we don’t have volition. You do. But we are born with a very specific purpose, which is to transfer the sun’s energy to a form which can be used by other beings. The only volition that we have, is to evolve. Some of us have chosen to evolve forms of protection, but it only extends their lifetime by a short duration, and makes them lose some forms of beauty. Those of us who were willing to pay this price for the beauty we possess, have chosen to remain this way. That is the only choice we are capable of exercising. Those of us who exercised their choice too much, ended up in a situation where they could no longer address their purpose of life, and got eliminated in the process. We, the plants and trees, are unable to express forms of volition such as emotions. We rely on beings like you to provide that, since you have the capability of exercising your volition in our favour. “

I thought deeply on this. “When Newton came up with the theory on gravity, had the apple tree expressed his creativity through Newton?” I asked innocently.

The tree chuckled, “I have no idea! We know as much about our ancestors as you do!”

I lay down leaning against the tree, thanking it for the shade it provided me from the sun. I hadn’t stopped thinking, but I had started to feel sleepy.

Love is blind.

For those who think that love is blind, love IS blind. For those who have to shut their eyes to experience reality, who hide the fear of what they see to replace it with what they want to see, love is blind. For those who say that the perfect match is only an ideal, never to be reached, love is blind.

Love is blind. Love doesn't care for material things. It sees the representation of values in physical form. Not the physical form in itself. Were the body devoid of all the things it represents, it wouldn't be loved any more.

Have you ever seen how a kid loves his teddy-bear? But the toy is lifeless. And, had the kid not associated certain values with the toy, he would not have loved it. Look at the number of people who toss soft toys aside as they grow. What changed? Just the values associated with it.

To me, love is the real eye opener. It makes you see everything you thought, everything you dreamed of, everything you reached out for, and everything your values stand for. The physical existence of your cherished values. That is love.

I love my parents. Is that blind love? Do I love them just because they are parents? No. My parents gave me the environment I needed to try and learn what life is. They gave me wings and said, “Go on, son. Learn to fly.” And my love for them is how I pay back to them. It manifests itself in the way I treat them, in the way I make choices, in the way I behave.

I love my brother. Is that blind love? Do I love him just because he's my brother? No. My Bro has always been, and will always be my best friend. He always shared his experiences with me, and said, “That's the way things go. Your life is yours. Choose how it should be.” My love for him is a reciprocation of the values he sees in me, and a representation of the values I see in him.

I love to study. What do I love it for? I value wisdom. And my pursuit of that value gives me pleasure.

I love to dance. What do I love it for? I like the control over my body, and its perfect synchronization with the running music.

I love to write. What do I love it for? It's the presentation of my highly sophisticated complex thoughts into an organized form, a reiteration of that which holds meaning for me.

I love to bungee jump. What do I love it for? I like to stretch the limits of human control to experience a thrill associated with high risk.

I love to croak like a frog. What do I love it for? It makes my throat vibrate in a ticklish manner. (Added just to throw in some humour)

It's really in this sense, that love is NOT blind. Love has reasons. And very clear ones. Love promotes what we consider appropriate to our lives. When we try to love by contradicting our own reasons for it, we find ourselves lost. We question the validity of love, and its essence. Love is not sans thought. Whenever we try to skip thought in love, we reach the same uncertainty that holds in the case of any action taken without thought. And the questions of why we did it, can come back to haunt us. When love is a consequence of what we consider right, and our understanding of right is clear to us, love is heaven. It has no bounds, and there's no turning back in it.

Disorder!

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...
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1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 1.,. 2... 3... 4... 5...


I wonder if any of you read that line by line. Unlikely. Our brain catches the pattern, and we move along to see what's next. Some people may not have even bothered to look down here. (I don't think that would be a very large number, because there's a bit of curiosity in each one of us).
Now, that pattern is how our life is. Now, what did you read? 1... 2... 3... 4... 5...?
Is that all that's written above? Well, not really. There are commas spread about randomly in the matrix. Did you notice them at first glance? Or did you notice them after I mentioned them? Well, that's, as I said, life.

All lives go through a very fixed pattern. Fixed stages. Fixed phases. So that, at a distance, there really is no difference. Birth. Learning to crawl, walk, talk. Learning about surroundings. Learning about behaviour. Learning, in general, to see the pattern, and go along with it. Then another generation goes through the same series.

Now, take out your magnifying glasses. Do all ants look identical? Hmmm. Maybe. Okay, now how about a microscope? Whoa!!!! There are major differences!!! Just like the commas in the matrix. But did you really bother to try that out? Putting an ant under a microscope? Well, I didn't. Though I would be interested in doing it sometime. But I know from the patterns I've seen in life that there are bound to be things which I'll observe to prove that it's not really a pattern.

I'm not just playing around with words. The bulk of us don't really bother to inspect whether or not there exists a pattern. We just assume that there is or isn't. Some of us do so coz we've already been fooled by deviations from the obvious so often. Lets look at those who do observe. Lets say, researchers. Or scientists. Graham Bell invented Telephone. How? By observing something that made something fall out of a pattern. And what did he do? Created another pattern. Now almost every house has a telephone. It's become a mandatory component of any household. Now, much later, came the cell phone. Deviation from pattern? And brought in a pattern from that.

Now, what does that mean? Ok, we come back to our third law of thermodynamics: Entropy increases (Disorder increases) with time. That's not all. It, sort of means, we try to set some things to what we call “order” by actually giving rise to disorder. Well, that's not really as bad as it might sound. In the sense, the “disorder” is something physical. But are we getting into some sort of order at a mental level?

Say, I invent a desk with shelves. So I've caused another deviation from the norm. But my things are much tidier. I access them with less worry. Or, say, I invented a weird car. It helps me get to work faster, safe more fuel, listen to excellent music while I go to work. Or, maybe, a microwave. I waste less food since I can store it in the fridge and reheat it and eat it the next day.

But what that's coming to is that we want something called “Peace of mind”. Or whatever level of that we can get. Bring down tension, bring down brute work, relax the mind. So that we can use that brain in an area which doesn't yet have these soothers. We can't have an automatic programming machine. Or a fully automated stock broker. So we need to save our strain for working on those, in the hope that someday we could automate those too. How long will this go on? Frankly, it'll go on forever. We'll automate all the things we see around us now, but by that time, somebody who was spending his time with all the soothers will imagine something that we don't see around us. That'll come out as some Sci-Fi book or movie. Then, it'll enter minds of young re-discovery enthusiasts (miniature scientists) who will get into research and make the Sci-Fi a reality. Meanwhile we'll have something else to dream about...

I think you got the point. But these scientists aren't all that large in number. So what we call “Rapid progress” is just an inkling of things to come. The rest of the working population's busy providing a self-consistent structure by which the entire population attempts to survive. Yes, we would still have the aberrations of short life, physical and mental handicaps, and so on. They form their own pattern.

Now, lets say, we decided that all the research and the deviation from patterns that it causes, is unnatural. (Just to see how it looks). That means no new inventions. Great! So we'd know how the existing products function. Would we? Who would fix bugs? Hmmm. Isn't fixing bugs also a deviation from nature? After all, error is part of nature, just like we have handicaps. So stop servicing products. Well, if we're not going to make new products, and not going to service any, then what about manufacturing? We have an expanding population. So maybe our production should just meet the Growth Rate. And choice of product isn't required. Quality? Huh! Not natural. Say, the machines take in chemicals and modify them! Dangerous! Scrap them! Houses? Nah. Other animals don't protect themselves with materials that make you choke and cough. Go back to caves. No fire, please. Unless it starts off by itself. And then you can observe what direction the other animals seem to be going in, and follow them, hoping not get run over by a herd. Now, we have reached eternal bliss. No artificial disorder. Disorder, as it is: natural. That is certainly progress. After all, aren't today's scientists struggling to make stuff as natural as they can? Or is there something missing in the above discussion? Oh, heck! Sorry, guys! This blog is totally unnatural! You weren't supposed to read it either! Now you've deviated from nature!!!!!!!!!