My closet is dark, damp, cold, noisy and lonely

Meet my closet.

It's dark in here. Things are a jumble. Things are a mess. But it's a familiar mess. It's untouched, untainted by anyone else's interference. What I do in here, what I put in here, what I leave in here - remains unassailably mine and mine alone. The light isn't off by accident, or because the light is broken. I choose to leave the light off. Because I'm not ready to shine a light on my closet. Because it needs to remain hidden. I don't need a light to find my things in here. Even if I don't find something, I know that a light wouldn't help me in my search for it.

It's damp in here. Damp because it's soaked with my tears. Tears that came, tears that wanted to come but couldn't. Tears that won't come because I've been reminded whenever I had to step out of my closet, that I shouldn't have tears. That I should be happy. Because nobody can see my closet, so they think it doesn't exist.

It's cold in here. I'd have expected it to be warm. But it isn't. Because I know I can't stay in here forever. I know that whatever comfort I find in here, is ephemeral. Yet, it's better than outside. Outside, I get to be numb. Here, I can feel, even if it's cold. The cold is a reassurance that all is not yet lost.

It's noisy in here. There are voices - voices with meaning, voices without meaning, voices beyond meaning; voices that are audible, voices that suppress, voices that are suppressed - an imbroglio of thoughts and views.

I'm lonely in here. I know I'm not the only one with a closet. I've been invited to some of my close friends' closets, and I've had them visit mine. Well, at least the sections of my closet that I'd neatly prepared for their visit. Because it's scary to share it all. I'm not ready for it. And they are not ready to see it all.

Do I step out of my closet? Yes. I have no choice. My closet doesn't feed me. My closet isn't a utopia or a panacea. It's a necessity. I need my closet because it's the only place where I can take my armour off. The armour that I'm told that everyone must have. And I wear this armour whenever I step out of my closet.

The armour conceals who I am. When I'm out of my closet, wearing my armour, people expect me to be like everyone else. If, at any time, my armour is peeled back in the slightest way, they remind me how I don't look like everyone else. They tell me I'm broken. Some will stab me, in the belief I'm violating some law of nature, or that they ought to stab me so that I'll wear an armour and look the way they expect, when they see me again. Some appear to not know there is an armour at all. Or that when they see me with the armour, they see who I am.

There are some people who will share with me that they wear an armour too. Who will tell me they weren't born with the armour. That the armour isn't part of them. That like me, they wear the armour because it conceals who they are. That like me, they have a closet too. And whether or not they are yet comfortable inviting me to their closets, they understand what it means to have a closet, and why I have one.

Speaking of closets has been taboo. We only speak of them when we're ready to come out of them. I think it's time we reclaim the closet. It's time to stop making our closets a matter of shame. For us to have the freedom to come out of our closets (and yes, I do dearly wish to not need a closet and an armour), we first need the freedom to have our closets and to be in them, and to talk about them. For us to be able to say, I have a closet, and while I can't share with you what's in it, it's mine. And I need my time and space in my closet.

This is me, reaching out to those of you who understand what it means to have a closet, and to wear an armour when having to step out of it to face the world outside. To share with you - you are not the only one with a closet. I have a closet too. And this is how my closet looks, feels and sounds.

Perhaps, one day, I'll be comfy enough to tell you what's inside, or even come out of it.

The walk

I went for a walk day this weekend.


This line and pause is for those of you who started laughing at the end of the previous line... to help you catch up. And yes, I admit I should take walks more often. *sigh*


This post is going to be less about the aimless paths my feet took, and more about the journey of my mind.

As I walked along the highway, I noticed a line of idols of Lord Ganesha, each about one and a half times my height. I noticed that most of them were yet unfinished. What caught my attention most though, is that the hands of the idols were left hollow. I stepped closer to one of them, and noticed, through the hole, that there were cobwebs being built inside. I was struck by the contrast of the two varieties of artwork in progress. I let that thought linger while I moved on.

Soon, I came across what I thought looked like a series of finished idols of Lord Ganesha, with one hand up, and one hand down - the symbol of protection and blessing. I observed the curves of these completed idols, and how they looked so identical from a distance, but perhaps differed in very small measurements. Each of these quite likely had some quirk that made the piece like no other next to it. I also thought again about the spiders that would perhaps not survive in these finished and sealed idols. Each piece of artwork made, quite likely, by clearing out many more pieces of artwork that had formed within it as it made its progress.

There seemed to be something very subtle about that thought, though I couldn't yet start to describe it. So I walked on, past the many slums of the artists who had probably spent ages making each of those idols.

Presently, I chanced upon an artist working on one of those idols in progress. She appeared to be sitting in roughly the same pose as the idol she was drawing - legs crossed, on a stool of some sort, only with the raised hand holding a tool which she was either carving or painting with, and the other hand, down in her lap, her eyes focused in concentration on the job at hand. It made me wonder for a while who was the creator and who the created. Or, really, was there any distinction? Or perhaps such labels only helped us in forming some abstract concepts for the relationships between the things we see, for the purpose of the perspective we choose to assume in the present.

I decided to change my subjects, and let my eyes wander, my mind still stuck on the juxtapositions. Soon, my attention was drawn to the beautiful bridge-like structure under construction for the new MetroRail of Hyderabad, hovering over the highway. A man put on his hard-top hat, chatted with a coworker, and picked up his welding machine to make some changes. As I turned my eyes away to avoid staring into the bright splinters from the welding, I realized it was just about time for sunset. And lo and behold, on the other side of the road, the clouds had become a soft orange. A bird flew through the sky, through the fading sunset, and right over the concrete of the bridge, and past it. I wondered if it was headed back to its nest.

Now, with the sunset over, I attempted to cross the road, and turn back, to be homeward bound myself. Yet, my thoughts were still jittery, and I stood still under the bridge, hesitating to cross till I had enough attention to avoid being run over.

Then, slowly, the pieces appeared to come together. Here was nature on one side - the bird, the sky, the clouds, the spiders and their cobwebs. And on the other side were the bridge, the construction worker, the artist, the idols of Lord Ganesha. It often feels like an Us versus Them. Man versus Nature. Artificial versus Natural. And, yet, in that moment, they didn't seem all that disparate at all. It appeared as if the patterns were just repeating themselves. It seemed as if the spider's cobwebs were really no different at all from Man's idols, roads, buildings and bridges. They were no different from the honeycombs made by the bees, or the nests made by the birds, or the anthills made by the ants. Man is just another organism on Planet Earth, with a different manner of artwork than the other organisms out there, changing his home to suit how he pleases - sometimes dislodging other organisms, sometimes remembering them and providing for their coexistence.

I smiled to myself and thought... at the end of the day, everything Man has learned, he has learned from nature. And that complex learning itself, is perhaps, just his nature.

And now, I was finally ready to finish crossing that highway and head home.

You make me...

(Inspired by conversations with the moon)

You make my head go *poof*

You make my heart go *flutter*

Coz when you’re with me

You make me… me.

Your smile brings me to life

Your eyes electrify my soul

Coz when you’re talking to me

You make me… me.

Never thought I could feel so good

You take bliss to a whole new level.

You bring down all my walls.

And you make me… me.

All I need is a little patience.

Coz nothing worth it is easy to get.

But I know that you are worth it.

Coz you’ll make me… me.

I watch the setting horizon

With the hue of your blushing face

I think of the times we’ve had together

And how you make me… me

Is this… the end? Or is it a new beginning?

Have I... lost myself? Or have I found myself finally?

Has the… world stopped turning? Or has my life come to a still?

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m undergoing a transformation.

Will you… please caress me? Tell me it’ll all be alright.

I believe in you now… coz you’re the only one.

That can make me… me

As we part ways, I have no hard feelings.

Every single moment, was how it was meant to be.

Though the distance appears to grow,

I know we’ve blended into one.

You’ve made me… me.

Reality... really?

What is reality? Everything that actually is. What about our perception of reality? Is there a common perception of reality? Or does that perception vary from person to person? We all discuss that each person has his own perspective. No doubt then, it should logically follow that there exists no common perception of reality - unless, of course, we have failed to apply logic as it should be applied.

Many wise men are known to have spent their lifetimes seeking universal truth. I would assume that means that they want to know reality(as it is), instead of just another perception of it. The biggest conundrum for me would always be - how would you know when you've reached? If you define a goal that you're headed towards, how do you know it's not tainted by your perspective? If you haven't defined a goal, well, then it doesn't matter anyways.(Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland?)

Now, what is anyone's perception of reality? In short, everything that we experience, with all our senses - some of them known, some not so well known(the sixth sense?). Was my dream real? I would suggest it indeed was. But not in the same way as my narration of the dream that I typed into my laptop one night after waking up. What makes the two realities different?

A dream is indeed real. I definitely perceived myself walking through the jungle and talking to a tree. Only, the tree existed in a reality that is not in front of me now - a reality that appears not based on the materialistic world we deal with, or with the five senses we normally rely on. In fact, I believe that tree still exists somewhere. My mind just made a journey to a world that I can't take anyone else to, because I reached there randomly. If I knew how I got there, I would tell you, and you might probably go there too, and see exactly what I saw, and heard, and felt.

As a child, I used to sit on the staircase, and imagine I was flying a fighter plane and shooting down "the bad guys". I had no steering wheel, no joystick. Just my closed eyes, and the vivid scenes running through my mind. The planes are always there, the runway's always there, just waiting for me to hop in and fly out. I could see them. I felt the wind blowing against me. I had a chill run down my spine as I gained the speed to take off. You can't tell me that's not real. I'm sure just reading those lines conjured up an image in your mind!

The big problem with reality is, we often start to get carried away with everything we perceive, and think everyone else should perceive it the same way. For instance, candies are sweet. How do you know what "sweet" feels like for another person? You don't. Yes, it is true that it triggers roughly the same taste buds for both you and the other person. That may not be the same experience for the other person. Lets move to another possibly more comprehensible example - law. There are many innocent people who get convicted because of circumstantial evidence (mistaken to outline reality), when there really was a big missing link that nobody found and brought to light. Once a man is convicted, it's difficult for anyone to believe his story, no matter how true it might be. In other words, again, your perception of reality, could be a far fetch from the reality.

Where is all this headed? It's simple. Each of us has a perception of reality, and should experience it anyway we like. We could try to share the experience, but we should be wary of the fact that the experience we give another person may or may not be as pleasant as ours. Every now and then, we might come across someone that appreciates our point of view. But we should keep in mind, that true reality consists of everyone's perceptions combined. The fact that each of us perceives, whether the same way or another, is indeed, real.

How's life and what's up?

Today, I'm going to talk about something that everyone that's met me or spoken to me will closely associate with... my typical answers to these two questions...
1) How's life?
A) Awesome, as always! (OR) Gr8, as always!

2) What's up?
A) The ceiling!!! :D (OR) The sky!!! :D

These are answers I picked up, somewhere along life, and they are not just answers, even though they remain the same every time you ask. These are statements of life. These are my two gliders. Yes, gliders is the right word. When you're sailing through the air, gliders are what you use to take you higher, to keep you at the height you're at, or when you're starting to drop, to bring yourself back up to the height that you want to be at.

These answers refresh my mind. So, the next time you've asked me one of those questions, keep in mind, you've not just made me repeat two obvious answers. You've done much more. I feel much better that you still took the care to ask me those questions.

Now, lets dig a little deeper into what those questions mean to me, and the answers. Lets start with "How's life?" Well, my life could really be any way. I could be down into the dumps, or I could be having a pretty normal life. I might be finding the work I'm doing at the moment a little mundane. Or, I could be having the best time of my life. No matter how life is for me, it really doesn't matter. If I'm throughly enjoying the moment, life is really awesome, and there you go! If life is a little on the lower side, it's just for the moment and will pass. Then life will again be awesome. Besides, you spared the time to ask me, even though I was probably walking down with my eyes focused somewhere in the air, and just managed a glance at you, and you asked! Thank you! My life is now awesome. :)

The second question is more of a pet peeve for someone who's known me for a while. Many of my colleagues find it a little boring that I've been saying the same thing for the last "n" years(Don't ask me, I've lost count!). No matter what, is does lighten their mind when I say it! To me, this answer is something that saves me from even having to search out what's really up. Coz maybe there might be times when I would be tempted to say... Err... nothing's really up right now. Everything's down. I'm going through this phase where... Oh, never mind. That's just me, really. And it's just now. So... the ceiling's up, or the sky's up, and will always be up! And hence, yes, there are plenty of things that are up, now that I come to think of it... the fan, the .... hey! I forgot! Yeah, what about that thing I did right 5 minutes back? Wow! Loads of things are up! Life rocks! Life is awesome! And, yeah, I just gave my same old reply, Lolz! But it got me feeling much better once again, right?? Yippie! Thanks, dude, for asking me that question! It was fun!

And, there lies one of the typical behaviours of Avanish answered. And maybe your key to more of my behaviour. :) Happy meetings!!!